329 – Your Window of Menuchas Hanefesh: Finding Your Capacity for Chesed

We hear it all the time: push yourself, do more mitzvahs, more chesed. You didn’t come to this world just to take care of yourself.
But what happens when that push leaves you scattered, dysregulated, unable to be civil with the people in your own home?
In this conversation, Rabbi Yonasan and Rena Reiser explore a concept that previous generations didn’t need spelled out but our generation desperately needs to hear: Derech Eretz must come first. You have to be a person – regulated, grounded, present – before you can do mitzvahs with meaning.
They discuss why menuchas hanefesh (inner calm and regulation) isn’t selfishness – it’s the prerequisite for everything else. And how each person has their own “window of menuchas hanefesh” – a unique capacity for what they can give without falling apart.

Key Themes Explored:
Derech Eretz comes first – Being civil and decent (with others AND yourself) is the foundation. Before developing higher midos, you need to be able to function as a basic person. If you’re so overwhelmed you can’t be civil, that undermines every mitzvah you do.
Menuchas hanefesh vs pizur nefesh – When you’re regulated (menuchas hanefesh), you can be present for mitzvahs with proper kavana. When you’re scattered (pizur nefesh), you’re operating from survival mode – there’s no person there doing the mitzvah.
The window of menuchas hanefesh – Each person has a unique capacity for what they can do while staying regulated. This isn’t fixed – you can stretch it – but pushing beyond it means you’re no longer functioning as yourself.
Mah chovaso be’olamo – “What is your obligation in your world?” Not THE world, but YOUR world. Each person’s obligations are different based on their strengths, limitations, and circumstances.
Why our generation needs this spelled out – Previous generations lived closer to survival – their needs were obvious. We have abundance and blurred lines. We now have space to attend to our inner world, which creates both opportunity and confusion.
Boundaries aren’t selfish – Saying “this is what I can do and this is where I draw the line” isn’t about being selfish. It’s about knowing what you need to function – physically, emotionally, spiritually.
Quality over quantity – There are different levels to doing a mitzvah – physical action is baseline, but higher levels require mental presence and proper kavana, which are impossible when dysregulated.
Taking care of yourself = 8 hours – Rebbetzin Yitty Neustadt’s calculation: sleep (8 hours) + self-care during waking hours (6-8 hours) = what’s left goes to others. Not everyone else first and you get leftovers.
The longing to give – V’ahavta l’rayacha kamocha isn’t meant literally in actions (you’d die from neglecting yourself). It’s about the mentality – the longing and desire to give. That desire matters even when you can’t act on it.
Chesed takes many forms – Not just cooking meals and hosting guests. Programming for organizations at low cost. Learning as a chavrusa. The form that works for your capacity is the right form.

This Episode Is For You If:
You feel guilty prioritizing your own needs
You’ve been told to “just push through” but find yourself completely depleted
You’re exhausted from trying to do everything and wondering why your mitzvahs feel mechanical
You’re deeply sensitive and struggle with the message to “just do more”
You’ve been told self-care is selfish and can’t shake that voice
You need permission to find your own capacity instead of comparing yourself to others
You’re trying to figure out what boundaries are appropriate