“Ignored” Is Not a Feeling

Someone asked me in a recent class: is “feeling ignored” a feeling or a need?

It’s a great question. And the answer might surprise you.

You’re not going to find the word “ignored” on a feelings list. You’re not going to find it on a needs list either. We use it as a feeling — we say “I feel ignored” the way we say “I feel sad” or “I feel angry.” But ignored isn’t actually an emotion.

Ignored is a judgment. It’s a thought I have about what someone else is doing to me.

And as a result of that thought — as a result of me perceiving that this person is ignoring me — I might feel sad. I might feel angry. I might feel hurt, apathetic, aggravated. All kinds of emotions can come up. The judgment might even be accurate — judgments aren’t always wrong. But it’s not the emotion itself. And it’s not the need.

So what’s the need?

My need might be to be seen. To be acknowledged. To be heard. There are a lot of different needs that could be at the source of what I’m calling “feeling ignored.” And if I stay at the level of the judgment — “she’s ignoring me,” “he doesn’t care,” “nobody sees me” — I’m stuck. I can’t meet a judgment. But if I can get underneath it, to the actual feeling and then the actual need? That I can work with. That I can do something about.

This is the work. Not the big dramatic moments — the small ones. The moment you catch yourself saying “I feel ignored” and you pause long enough to ask: wait. What am I actually feeling right now? What do I actually need?

If this resonates and you want to hear more about ideas like this, consider joining my upcoming class:

This Thursday I’m offering a free live class as part of my B’Etzem Foundations series: What Does It Mean to Listen to Your Body? This week’s topic: anxiety.

We’ll explore:

Thursday, May 28 | 10:00 AM New York | 5:00 PM Israel
Live on Zoom · No replay

The first 40 minutes are free. For those who want to go deeper, there’s a live coaching session immediately after — 45 minutes, $35.

To register: renareiser.com/foundations | 347-871-1848

I hope to see you there. Please invite your friends!

Rena

If you want to go deeper:

Work with me 1:1 if you’re ready for personalized support in reclaiming your feminine power. [Book a discovery call]​

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This week’s book recommendation: If this email resonates with you, I recommend Focusing by Eugene Gendlin. Gendlin, the founder of Focusing, teaches a simple but profound practice: how to turn toward what’s already inside you with openness and not-knowing, and let something emerge that thinking alone could never reach. It’s the art of emptying the mind so the body can speak. A book that quietly changes how you relate to yourself. Order a copy here — this is an affiliate link which doesn’t cost you anything extra and helps support my work.

Supporting your sensitivity,
Rena

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