Menuchas Hanefesh Insight #10 – “Helping your (inner) child process fear”

Insights & Support for Menuchas Hanefesh​
​with Rena Reiser​
​Febuary 13, 2025 – #10

A reader sent the following question:

Dear Reader,

Thank you for reaching out. It’s understandable that you want to both support her in feeling safe and also feel frustrated that you haven’t been able to move past this yet.

When someone is experiencing fear—especially one’s (inner) child—it’s important to remember that they can’t fully process solutions until they first feel validated. As Rebbetzin Neustadt quotes from Chazal, first we must listen to the body, and only then can Torah hashkafah and guidance become accessible. If we skip over validation and go straight to problem-solving, the nervous system isn’t able to absorb it.

Fear is legitimate, even when it’s not rational. Your daughter may not be experiencing immediate danger now, but her body and mind are still holding onto a past experience that felt overwhelming. The fact that she keeps coming back to the scary dream from months ago suggests that it was a significant moment for her, and her system hasn’t fully processed it yet.

One of the ways we help the nervous system integrate and release fear is through compassionate retelling. Memories are made up of thoughts we repeat, and when one’s (inner) child tells their story while being truly heard—without trying to fix or dismiss it—the memory itself begins to shift. The simple act of listening with openness and validation allows the nervous system to process what happened in a new way, making it feel less intense over time.

Once your (inner) little one feels truly heard, you can then begin to plant the seeds of bitachon—helping her build trust that she is safe, that she has tools to navigate fear, and that she is held not only by you but also by Hashem. This process isn’t about forcing her to “move past” the fear but rather helping her integrate it in a way that allows her to feel more at ease.

You’re already offering her something incredibly valuable: the reassurance that she can always come to you when she’s scared. With time, patience, and continued validation, her nervous system will begin to settle, and her need to seek you out in the middle of the night will likely ease on its own.

I hope this is helpful for you!

Have a question about Menuchas Hanefesh? Just REPLY to this email with your question.

My answers are not medical advice.

Do you have a sister or friend who you think might appreciate this? If so, please forward them this email. Thanks!

Warmly,
Rena