323 – Holding Your Own Emotions vs. Managing Everyone Else’s

Ever left a therapy session or workshop feeling more activated than when you started? Like you’ve opened Pandora’s box and don’t know how to close it?
This is one of the most common concerns about doing deep healing work: once you start feeling, everything comes up. Your system says “oh good, you’re ready” and brings more to the surface.
In this conversation, my husband, Rabbi Yonasan Reiser, joins me as we explore what to do with all that activation. We discuss why some modalities are so careful they keep you stuck, what it means to find “the right distance” from your experience, and how to let processes complete instead of constantly interrupting them.
But then the conversation goes somewhere unexpected: into women’s power in the home. What happens when you’re trying to regulate yourself but everyone around you is dysregulated? How much influence does a woman actually have? And what responsibilities have we been carrying that were never ours to begin with?
I speak about the exhaustion of martyrdom, the pattern of filling up space that leaves no room for others to step up, and what it means to ask “what do I need?” as an act of power rather than selfishness.

Key Themes Explored:
The activation paradox – Once you make space for one feeling, your system brings up more. This is how healing works! The question isn’t how to avoid activation, but how to be with it.
Finding the right distance – Not so far from your experience that you don’t feel anything. Not so close that you’re overwhelmed. There’s a sweet spot where you can be in relationship with what you’re feeling.
Too careful = stuck – Some approaches are so concerned about not overwhelming you that they don’t let you actually touch what’s there. For people who need to feel deeply, this is maddening.
Completing vs stopping – When you interrupt a process before it’s complete, you’re left with unfinished activation.
Naming to relate – When you can label activation, you develop a relationship with it. When you don’t want to label it (often from fear), you just act it out without understanding why.
Women’s power through presence – When a woman can hold her own emotions and activation, finding regulation within herself, she has massive impact on everyone around her. Not through fixing or managing everyone else’s emotions, but through her grounded presence.
Responsibilities that aren’t yours – Two big ones: taking responsibility for everyone’s emotions (needing to solve everyone’s feelings instead of just being present), and taking on household roles early in marriage that leave no space for partners to step up.
The martyrdom trap – Women get exhausted carrying responsibilities that were never theirs while simultaneously feeling overwhelmed by the idea of their actual power. When you say no to what’s not yours, you free up space for what is.
The mirrors in Mitzrayim – Women in Mitzrayim had the vision of what was possible in the present moment, even when the men couldn’t see it. They trusted their husbands could do what needed to be done while they held the vision of the home.
“What do I need?” – This question is an act of stepping out of martyrdom. It’s trusting that Hashem and your neshama can provide what you need. It’s recognizing you’re worthy of support while activation works itself out.
Destigmatizing activation – Removing the shame and fear around it. When you can recognize and name it, you can work with it instead of being blindsided by it.

This Episode Is For You If:

You’ve ever left therapy or deep work feeling more stirred up than when you started
You’re trying to find the balance between feeling your feelings and not getting overwhelmed
You’re exhausted from taking responsibility for everyone’s emotions in your home
You’ve been doing things yourself for so long that letting anyone else try feels impossible
You wonder how much influence one person can really have on a household
You struggle to ask “what do I need?” without feeling selfish
You want to understand activation as part of the process rather than evidence something’s wrong