How to stop chasing the “perfect” formula

The Myth of the Perfect Three-Step Plan

I have this running joke with the women I work with in The Circle: the simple three-step plan that will make your life perfect, improve your marriage, or transform your parenting. I tell them I’m going to become a millionaire developing this plan, guiding everyone through it, and changing their lives.

Except… that’s not how life works.

We all want the fix, the solution, the way out. None of us like being in this thing called process. We want to know exactly how to get from where we are to where we want to be. We want someone to tell us: Here are the steps. Follow them exactly.

But outside of the incredible guidance we have through Torah as well as other meaningful resources, life isn’t linear. There’s no real one-two-three formula. Chazal already told us: Sheva yipol tzadik v’kam — a tzadik falls seven times and gets up again. The path is full of experiments, failures, and trying again. That’s what life is.

When I make the three-step plan joke, my clients laugh, sometimes feel relieved, and sometimes feel frustrated or disappointed. It’s a mixed bag, because even those of us who know the perfect plan doesn’t exist still secretly wish for it.

Why? Because our minds are meaning-making machines. They want things strategic, planned out, and organized. But real change happens in the body. Our bodies don’t need a step-by-step formula; they have more patience, flexibility, and willingness to accept what is.

The problem is, when we get stuck and dysregulated, our minds scramble for control. The only way our minds know how to solve a problem is through making sense of it: one plus one has to equal two. But process is inherently uncomfortable. As Chazal say, ein simcha k’hataras hasfeikos — there’s no joy like removing doubt. When we’re in doubt, it’s painful.

To tolerate the process, or even find value in it, we need to quiet our minds. We do this by slowing down, dropping into our bodies, moving into calmer brainwave states, and allowing our body’s wisdom to emerge from the inside out.

When that happens, something shifts. There’s an inherent settling in the system. The mind no longer fixates on finding the perfect solution. We can actually be in the process with more ease.

And here’s the irony: maybe there is a perfect three-step plan after all. It just looks a little different:

1. Slow it down.
2. Listen inside.
3. Listen some more.

…And then steps four, five, and six? Keep listening, until your system is relaxed and regulated enough to find your next step, the one that’s right for you in this moment.

That’s how true growth and healing happen.

This is what we practice and cultivate in B’Etzem: learning to slow down, listen deeply inside, and keep listening until the next step emerges from within. In the training, we explore how to guide others through that same process, so they can move beyond chasing someone else’s formula and instead discover the wisdom that is uniquely theirs. If you’re ready to bring this way of working into your own practice and into your own life I’d love to have you join us for the upcoming Zoom training September 8-11 (Lakewood and Israel dates coming soon).