113 – The Frum Women’s Insight Panel #1 – “How to be more accepting of my husband”

Yesterday we kicked off the very first live Q&A on The Frum Women’s Insight Panel!

Our topic was “How to be more accepting of my husband.” Our panelists were Chana Eisenstein, Kayla Levin, and Rivka Slatkin.

Here are some of the questions that our panelists answered:

1) How can I be accepting of my husband but also want him to change? Can I do both?

2) My husband is an incredible, super-special person. He suffered emotional abuse and neglect as a child and only recently began a journey of diagnosis and treatment for ADHD. He has grown immensely; but the more he grows, the more it becomes clear that certain obstacles – like PTSD and ADHD – will never go away. It is sometimes hard for me to accept that even with therapy (forever?) and medication, he might always be mistrustful, forgetful, a mess, have low self-esteem, hard to find a job, etc. I understand getting through “hard times,” but how do I accept a “hard life” without feeling resentful?

3) My husband suffers from low self-esteem and a very poor self-image. How can I show my husband that I accept him if he doesn’t accept himself? His inner voice is so much louder than me; on top of that, my “love language” is NOT words of affirmation and I find it difficult to communicate this message to him.

4) I am intuitive and creative, and my husband is black and white, and I’m very sensitive to his energy which often shuts me down. The problem is that he also is home a lot. How can I be more accepting in a way that doesn’t affect me?

5) I want to be more accepting of my husband but it’s hard because I carry the financial burden and all kid-related responsibilities. He is clueless about these things and in his own world. So I get stressed and anxious and wish it could be different. I don’t know how to be more accepting.

6) How can I be accepting of my husband’s parenting style when it is so different than mine, specifically in the way we speak to the kids. I deeply believe that children’s self-esteems need to be built up and validated so I use a gentle parenting approach (ex giving them time and space to think for themselves and solve conflict – even when quarreling with their sibling, validating their feelings, etc). My husband is more stern and uses harsher language to get the kids to listen and respect him (ex uses threats like taking away their toys for the night). In his more authoritarian approach, it’s hard for me to sit back and hear it, because while the short term goal may be reached (ex they do what was told, albeit grumpily), it hurts me to think that it could have been handled much more gently and their self-esteem preserved. My husband is sensitive when I mention our different styles because he believes what he’s doing is for their best and I couldn’t disagree more so it makes for a lot of tension.

7) My question is, how can I know if I have become accepting, or maybe I am simply numb, to something that really bothered me a lot in the past?
I used to try to be somewhat controlling in a certain area, and nowadays I just don’t get involved.
But I am not sure if that’s because I’ve accepted the situation for what it is, or if I’ve numbed out because it was so distressing.

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Links to panelists’ websites:
Chana Eisenstein – http://chanaeisenstein.com/
Kayla Levin – https://kaylalevin.com/
Rivka Slatkin: https://themarriagerestorationproject.com/
Download Rena’s free Tune In Journal here.

Watch the recording of the panel on YouTube:

Watch the recording of the panel on Vimeo:

Listen to the recording:

By phone:
USA call +1-641-715-3800, access code 348668#, then press 113.
Israel call 073-347-7662, press 1, then 113#.